Olga Carmona's father died two days before she found out. When's the right time to share terrible news?

Spanish footballer Olga Carmona was dealt a terrible blow as she celebrated winning the World Cup on Sunday night.

Hours after kicking Spain's winning goal, the 23-year-old champion was told that her father, who had been ill for some time, had died almost two days earlier.

Carmona's family's decision to delay telling her until after the most important match of her life raises questions about if and when you should hold off delivering such bad news.

Remembering how she felt when she found out her mother had died suddenly in November 2019, Sally Douglas understood why they held off.

"The shock is all consuming and it can be an out of body experience," Ms Douglas, who co-hosts the Good Mourning podcast, says.

"I remember feeling so dissociated and full of anxiety and fear. Nothing really felt real.

"I don't think [Olga Carmona] would have been able to perform had she have known that news, because it is just such a life-changing experience."

How to be the bearer of bad news

Ms Douglas found out about her mother's sudden death in a phone call from her mother's partner in the UK. Looking back, she believes he delivered the tragic news in the best way possible.

"It's such a huge thing to do that; it can sort of really bind the relationship, and it certainly did for us. You just never ever forget that moment or the person [who] told you."

Her advice for anyone who has to make that phone call is to follow his example: be empathetic, but also straightforward.

"He had the answers to my questions as well, which I think is something that you should be mindful of," she says.

"When you deliver such news, often people will have questions, especially if it's a shock and it's unexpected."

Annetta Mallon, an end of life consultant and grief specialist based in Tasmania, had a very different experience.

Earlier this year, she learned of her mother's death in a text message she received after getting off a plane. She describes the experience as "brutal".

Dr Mallon's advice is to always deliver the news in person if possible.

"If you can't tell someone in person, at least do it on a phone call and make sure that they're sitting down, that they're not driving, that they're somewhere safe and comfortable and they can hear you clearly and there's some privacy," she says.

Should you always deliver bad news immediately?

ABC Radio Sydney posed the question: would you want to know as soon as possible if someone you loved had died?

While few of us will make it to a World Cup final, what happens if you're on holiday overseas, on your honeymoon, starring in a performance or something really important is happening at work?

"Both my brother and I were travelling (separately) in Europe when my father was given a short time to live. He requested that nobody told us because he didn't want us to come home because of him. 💔 He died only a week or so later and my mum waited until my brother had located me in person to tell me. I completely understand their decision and am totally fine with it. I'd left nothing unsaid and he knew how much I loved him and vice-versa." – Kim Gregory

"I was away on a holiday interstate when my father became critically ill and was not expected to survive. I was 18 and my mother decided not to tell me. When I arrived home, she took me straight to the hospital where I saw my father and he died a few hours later. I like to think he was waiting to see me, but I never forgave my mother. It was not her decision to make." – Mary (didn't want to provide last name)

"I had just sat down at the beginning of a 3-hour play when my grandfather died. When I got out of the theatre, I had numerous missed calls from family and was about to call back when a text came through from a distant in-law to tell me he had died. I was very close to my grandad and was devastated to hear about his passing this way. I would have preferred people to wait until they could get hold of me on the phone to tell me." – Kelly Yates

ABC Radio Sydney also asked listeners how they had dealt with being the bearer of bad news.

"My daughter was performing the lead in her high school musical. It was her final show and my mother, her grandmother passed on the same morning. We decided not to tell her until after as there was no way she could do the performance. We figured there was nothing she could have done, mum was interstate, and why ruin her show for her and others." – Ross Newell

"My uncle's son passed away after a long illness, but the news wasn't relayed to him until after he'd landed the 747. Right thing!" – David Servi

Why delaying bad news can have consequences

Dr Mallon advises caution about delaying telling someone because it can be "potentially quite damaging" to be out of step with the rest of the grieving family, even for someone in Olga Carmona's situation.

"Yes, this was a major point in her career. However, I think it's important to remember her father is going to die once. There will be other football games and hopefully other finals and big events.

"She's potentially looking at a grief process that might become pretzeled or twisted or more difficult than it needs to be."

She says delays can also create trust issues if someone is upset that important information about a loved one has been withheld.

"If this is a decision taken in private, how does that then affect trust and communication in the family down the track," she says.

Have the conversation

Death literacy advocate Lisa Herbert says the situation highlights the importance of having conversations about dying and how to handle these moments beforehand.

"Not all cultures are as reticent to talk about and plan for these kinds of events as we are here in Australia so I'd like to think that Olga and her family and her father had already had frank discussions about his mortality, and the possibility of his death while she was away," she says.

Dr Mallon and Ms Douglas agree on the importance of communication.

Dr Mallon says she has told her husband if she is overseas when their dog dies, she wants to know.

But others may feel differently.

"So we know that's what they want, we can respect their wishes."

Ms Douglas says Australians are getting better about having those conversations, and it doesn't have to be all "doom and gloom".

"I do think people are becoming more aware of grief, how it impacts you and how to support others," she says.

"But I think that we have a long way to go still."