A relationship counsellor explains 'phubbing' and how to address it

In couples-therapy rooms like mine, clients often share that excessive phone use can lead to feelings of rejection.

The New York Times recently described this as "phubbing" — a portmanteau of "phone" and "snubbing".

Our phones have become a constant and necessary presence in our lives. Beyond taking care of day-to-day tasks, phones can also be what we rely on for escapism or distraction.

All this phone-use adds up and some couples I've seen say they feel stressed when their significant other chooses to focus on their phone rather spending time together.

So, what can you do?

1.Tackle it together

Before you make any rules, you should examine your own phone habits and discuss the issue with your partner calmly and respectfully.

As James Roberts, author of Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?, explains "if you need to improve as well, approach your partner that this is something you need to tackle together. If you point the finger at your partner without taking responsibility for your own behaviour, it won't go over well."

Relationships expert John Gottman recommends a similar approach to help raise conflict constructively. He calls it a 'soft start-up', which can enable couples to share responsibility, express how they feel and discuss what they need.

2. Spend 30 minutes together, phone-free

Next, try spending 30 minutes together without phones. Notice how different your interaction and conversation feels when you can see each other's facial expressions and make eye contact.

Express how you feel after those 30 minutes and try to build that routine into your daily life with your partner. It's important to try and tailor a routine that suits your lifestyle. If you have young children, for example, this might be something that you incorporate once your kids are in bed.

3. Settle on some 'phone etiquette' for home

From here, it could be time to decide what your "phone etiquette" will be at home. Here are some areas where you might consider setting some boundaries around phone use:

• Create a fair plan for technology limits;
• Being kind to each other — addressing the issue requires teamwork;
• Making a conscious effort to engage in meaningful conversations and activities that foster emotional connection without phones.

By acknowledging the negative impact of "phubbing" can have on a relationship and taking action, you can start to regain happiness and satisfaction in time spent together.

This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.

Jill Dzadey is a relationship counsellor based in Naarm, Melbourne.