Why long separations like those of Meryl Streep and Jada Pinkett Smith happen to us too

It's been a big couple of weeks for celebrity splits, with Jada Pinkett Smith and Meryl Streep revealing they have been separated from their husbands for quite some time.

Ahead of the release of her new memoir, Smith said her and Will Smith — who were married in 1997 — have been privately separated for seven years.

That was closely followed by the news from Streep who announced after 45 years of marriage, she and Don Gummer have split… as of six years ago.

But long separations aren't just a celebrity thing. Relationships experts share why separations can sometimes take years, and often happen privately long before they become public.

Avoiding 'knee-jerk' decisions

Children often play a large role in why couples choose to approach a separation slowly, explains Melbourne psychologist Carly Dober, who is also the director of the Australian Association of Psychologists.

She says in some scenarios it might be easier for couples to co-parent under the same roof — or finances might mean living apart is not possible.

"Rents and mortgages have sky-rocketed across the country, and for some couples and family units it's just more appropriate to keep things as they are, even if the romantic relationship has ended," Ms Dober says.

For married couples waiting out the 12-month separation period before applying for divorce, living together is legal, explains Helen Poynten, regional manager at Relationships Australia Queensland.

As long as you meet certain criteria.

As well as children and financial considerations, Ms Poynten says there may be religious reasons people take their time with a break-up.

"There are a lot of considerations we may not know about [from the outside]," she says.

A separation can also be a chance for couples to trial being single before deciding with certainty to end the relationship.

"Couples can often explore a break or extended time where they just try and figure out what is best as individuals and a couple moving forward," Ms Dober says.

She says relationships "accordion in and out" during certain periods of time, so some people try to avoid "knee-jerk decisions".

A trial separation, Ms Dober says, can be a great way to help people move into the next chapter without feeling rushed.

Of course, it's not safe for everyone to explore separation — for example, when control or abuse is present.

"The situation needs to be healthy and respectful for everyone," Ms Dober says.

Unwanted opinions

Couples might avoid sharing the news of the separation for some time, for reasons including taking the time to grieve the loss or change privately, explains Ms Dober.

"A lot of outsiders have strong opinions that aren't the most helpful — or to try and sway how people live their lives in the context of a separation."

She says it can also be a difficult process for loved ones, and the couple may not be in a place to support that.

"That can be a bit too much for people until some time has passed."

Long relationships can equal long break-ups

In long-term relationships there has likely been periods of rupture, explains Ms Poynten, which means the pair may choose to "wait out" a tough period before ending things entirely.

"It's not always smooth sailing. People say, 'I've been married 15 years and 10 of those were happy.'

"These relationships would have gone through tough spots ... they've had hard times and come through."

Time to break it off for good?

If you're someone who is going through a long separation and you feel like progress isn't being made one way or the other, Ms Dober says there are some signs it might be time to call it quits:

• If you both can't see a future together that is workable, or helpful to you both.
• If you are stuck in problem mode rather than solution mode and finding it hard to move away from that.
• If you are reluctant to get support from a third party like a relationship counsellor.
• If your life plans have diverged without room for negotiation or compromise.
• If you don't have any romantic feelings, or aren't interested in re-igniting that spark (outside of the usual ebbs and flows of a relationship).

"Those feelings can accordion in and out over time, but if neither of you are interested in maintaining that, then perhaps it's moved into the friend or acquaintance phase," Ms Dober says.

This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.