What setting boundaries really looks like and how the concept can be weaponised

Boundaries are a part of all healthy relationships — and how we talk about them is important.

But like other so-called "therapy speak" we are hearing more in everyday life, people use "boundaries" to describe different things — and sometimes in problematic ways.

Earlier this year Jonah Hill was allegedly misusing the concept in what many relationship experts have labelled an attempt to control his now ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady.

Hill allegedly texted Brady (a professional surfer) to say it was violating his boundaries when she posted images to her Instagram that showed her surfing in a bikini, among other things.

Helen Poynten, regional manager at Relationships Australia Queensland, says while boundaries keep us happy and safe, "sometimes the language can be used against us".

"Boundaries are about creating positive relationships," she says.

So, what are examples of healthy relationship boundaries? And how can you recognise when the term is being weaponised? We spoke to two relationship experts to find out.

What healthy relationship boundaries look like

Boundaries are guidelines or personal preferences that people use to help maintain healthy habits, both inside and outside relationships, explains Carly Dober, a Melbourne psychologist who is also the director of the Australian Association of Psychologists.

"They are a communication tool to strengthen most relationships — not to clearly define or cut-off people, unless it's more safe to do that," she says.

Ms Poynten says a simple way to think of boundaries is "what you're OK with and what you're not OK with".

A boundary in romantic relationships may look like:

• How often you would like to see someone. For example, not spending every night of the week together.
• What you share. For example, you might not be comfortable sharing passwords or having someone else access your phone.
• What sexual intimacy you are comfortable with. For example, you might not want certain parts of your body to be touched.

For family and friends, it might be:

• In what ways you can help in a time of need. For example, you can help them create a budget, but you won't lend money.
• When and how they visit. You'd like to see them once a week, but they need to phone first.

Boundaries can change. What is OK yesterday might not be OK today.

"It can absolutely be a moving beast," Ms Dober says.

"Things like your financial health, physical health, or the different roles people have … they are moving and changing.

"For people who move into new roles like parenthood, your boundaries might look different."

For example, you might have once been comfortable seeing your friend for dinner at a restaurant one night a week, and now you have a new baby, you would prefer to catch up once a month and at home for lunch.

Boundaries shouldn't be about controlling others

While boundaries can be considered personal preferences, that doesn't mean they can be used to police another person's behaviour.

"As the term has been used more online, many more people have been introduced to it without perhaps the theoretical underpinnings being communicated very well," Ms Dober says.

She says people confuse boundaries as something that is like a "hard line on a map" when they are more "a bridge or extended hand".

Some people might use "boundaries" as an excuse to cut social contact with someone, even if they've done nothing wrong.

In most cases, setting boundaries is about strengthening relationships where possible, not about severing communications, she adds.

"Yes [boundaries] are useful tools for self-protection [but the language can be] abusive when infringing on someone's autonomy, personal life, or identity," Ms Dober says.

"Someone might say, 'Oh, you're crossing my boundary', when the person is in fact not."

How to set healthy boundaries

Boundaries are a way for people to understand your needs in relationships and life. But it's important to recognise that few people will share the same boundaries as you, says Ms Dober.

"If you don't communicate them, people aren't to know," she says.

Ms Dober and Ms Poynten's tips for setting boundaries include:

• Be clear on what your boundaries are so you can communicate them with confidence.
• Understand you may need to repeat your boundaries multiple times — and that doesn't always mean the other person isn't receptive. They simply may need more information to understand.
• Remember boundaries are a two-way street. We must also respect the boundaries of others for it to mutually beneficial.

She adds practising boundaries can take time before you form the habit.

"Don't expect to be amazing at it immediately," she says.

"You might feel guilty or scared, or even go back on your boundaries a few times, but you are building that skill."