Being in a bridal party can be expensive. Who should pay?

Being a part of someone's wedding day might feel special, but it often comes at a cost. 

Dresses, suits, hair and make-up, accessories, accommodation and time off work aren't free, and it's generally expected bridesmaids and groomsmen will pay for at least some of the expenses.

That's according to Wendy El-Khoury, founder and CEO of a global wedding platform, who says when the marrying couple aren't flexible on how much those are, it can cause tension.

What's the etiquette?

If brides and grooms aren't offering to foot the bill for their bridal parties, they need to be considerate of the choices they are making, Ms El-Khoury says.

"They need to offer options, otherwise you will end up in a sticky situation."

For example, she says a bride might request the bridesmaid wear pink, but say they can choose their own dress, and therefore source one within their budget.

She says marrying couples who insist on covering some, or all, of the costs for their bridal party make it easier for their expectations to be met.

"We have seen people say, 'This is my wedding, if I want it my way, I have to pay for things.'"

Financial behaviour educator Emma Edwards says while some people are pulling back and holding micro-weddings, others are "spiralling out of control".

"They have got more expensive, and so have the accessories around it: the hens party, the bridal shower," Ms Edwards says.

"Often it's no longer a day-long event, but a whole weekend."

She says the dynamic of "being invited to pay for something" is interesting.

"You're not just invited, and it's not something you just do — you have to pay for it.

"There has to be some give and take."

Ms Edwards says it can be financially alienating for people who have different capacities and priorities when it comes to money.

How beliefs and emotions play a role

Not everybody sees value in having a big and expensive wedding, says Ms Edwards, who recently celebrated her small $1,000 wedding with no bridal party.

"If you're planning a wedding and spending tens of thousands of dollars, it can seem like what you're asking of people is not that much," she says.

"But it's possibly still substantial to them. And while a wedding if often a one-off, being in a bridal party is something you might be asked to do multiple times."

Couples are of course invested in their wedding day, which can bring out the "good, bad, and the ugly", says Ms El-Khoury.

"Particularly if you are a person who has dreamt of this day all your life — you are emotionally invested — and expect people around you to just say 'yes'."

Talking about money up front

Both Ms El-Khoury and Ms Edwards recommend a conversation about money and expectations take place before accepting to a role in the wedding.

"One of the biggest problems is that there is a lot of things that are left unsaid. Maybe you go, 'She wants me to be bridesmaid, I wonder how much that will cost?' But you kick the can down the road and worry about it later," Ms Edwards says.

"Then it's one thing after the other and the group chat is constantly asking you to transfer more money."

That can fuel ongoing resentment, she says, and becomes more about the principal than the actual amount of money.

When and where is the wedding? Will there be a hens or bucks event? Do I have to pay for my own outfit? How many dress fittings will there be? Will I need to take time off work?

Our experts say these are all reasonable questions to have answered before committing.

"That initial conversation will save so much time and heartache," Ms El-Khoury says.

"Avoiding that means things can get very sticky, very quickly, and you don't want to lose a friend."