Australia is in the grip of a loneliness epidemic.
The landmark State of the Nation Report, released in August by the Ending Loneliness Together national research organisation, found a third of Australians feel socially isolated and one in six people are experiencing extreme loneliness.
The report cites long work hours, rising cost of living and a general shrinking of social circles as contributing factors, and 75 per cent of the 4,000 respondents believed family and friends should help a person who feels lonely.
But how should you go about rekindling old friendships?
We ask two experts for their tips on reconnecting with friends you've lost touch with.
Take a slow and steady approach
If you're seeking to rekindle an old friendship, it can be difficult to know where to begin, but a good place to start is considering why you drifted apart in the first place.
Michelle Lim, the scientific chairperson of Ending Loneliness Together, says it’s OK to put friendships on hold.
"Friendships change over time and it’s normal for longstanding friendships to go through periods of disconnection, but that also provides an opportunity to reconnect," Dr Lim says.
As Gold Coast-based clinical psychologist Trish Purnell-Webb explains, friendships often simply "fizzle out", rather than dissolving because of a fight or a shift in shared values.
"Proximity is the big thing when it comes to friendship, and if you're not living in a reasonably easy distance to somebody that you're friends with, you often don't make the effort to visit them," Ms Purnell-Webb says.[call-out]But the reasons a friendship has paused are often in the eye of the beholder, and Ms Purnell-Webb says you should take a slow and steady approach.
"There might need to be some repair that happens first, and you might need to be prepared to apologise, even though you didn't intentionally do anything to hurt that person.
"The fact is, people get hurt, regardless of intention."
Put yourself out there
To start the process of reconnecting, you need to make an active effort to reach out.
"Sending a short note or calling someone lets them know you are thinking of them," Dr Lim says.
"Don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back or the response may not be what you anticipate.
"Sometimes we do disconnect from others for various reasons and the time to reconnect may not be now."
One of the most common ways people can reconnect with old friends is at shared social gatherings, which is why Ms Purnell-Webb says you should be receptive to attending events such as reunions, social get-togethers, and weddings.
She says the unforced nature of these types of events can help those who may have drifted apart because of geographical or lifestyle-related reasons reacquaint in a comparatively low-stress environment.
"Those are the [friendships] that often rekindle quite easily."
Accept that people – and priorities – change
Sharing similar social values with an estranged friend is one thing, but expecting them to be the same, idealised version of themselves as when you drifted apart is another entirely.
Be honest with yourself about whether you're wanting to reconnect with a particular period in your life, rather than seeking to reunite with a specific friend.
"Sometimes, people seek out those old friendships because they miss a part of who they were back then," Ms Purnell-Webb says.
"You can't go back into the same friendship you had 20 years ago.
"You have to kind of rebuild a new friendship that's based on something that was solid back then, and hopefully there's still enough in there that you can build on, but it will be a different friendship."
Be honest and authentic
The image we paint of ourselves for others on social media is often carefully curated, rather than an honest, unfiltered portrayal of our lives.
Ms Purnell-Webb says the disconnect between people's real lives and what they choose to present on social media can make them wary about revealing their "less-than-ideal lifestyle choices or situations" when reconnecting.
"[But] it's only when you meet somebody in person that you sit, you talk, you do your deep and meaningfuls, you see each other hungover in the morning … that you get the real story, the authentic version of that person."
Dr Lim says the first step people wanting to reconnect and maintain authentic relationships should take is being honest with themselves about what they are seeking from a friendship.
"What may be meaningful for me, may not be meaningful for you," she says.
"If you value closeness, one example could be to consider having more authentic or heart-felt conversations with people you already know."
Think of friendship as an investment
Remember that friendship is a two-way street and if you want to reconnect and maintain a meaningful connection, you should be mindful of the other person's emotions.
If a friend doesn't feel properly acknowledged of heard, they can quickly develop feelings of resentment and question your value as a friend and the worth of the relationship.
As Ms Purnell-Webb puts it, friendship is all about the investment you put into knowing another person and creating a shared story.
"[True friendship is] the opposite of superficial; it's the deepness that we create in our allowing somebody in — and them allowing us in with them."
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