The division of household labour is a very challenging topic among the couples and individuals I see in my therapy room.
Many couples express feelings of frustration about the lack of contribution to domestic tasks and life-admin or how they are executed.
Relationship researcher John Gottman found that couples reliably fight about unpaid work more than they fight about outside or paid jobs.
The key is not about the actual amount a partner does but the subjective view of whether it's enough. For one couple this could be an equal split but for another this could be an agreed set of tasks like cleaning the bathroom or agreeing to budget for a monthly cleaner, if you can afford one.
When couples fight about household tasks, the intensity of their emotions can often seem disproportionate to the situation.
This is because these tasks can represent something more than just dirty dishes and childcare pick-ups. They can represent issues of fairness, gender, respect and communication. It's also attached to feelings of not being kept in mind by your partner.
Sometimes, conflict relating to household tasks can make couples feel at odds with each other. It's actually more helpful to reframe your thinking and remember that you are in fact a team and come at these tasks from a place of togetherness. Here are three places to start:
1. Make and review a list of your shared life admin
Writing out an itemised list of who does what and the needs of your relationship (and family) can help with discussions, and I suggest couples do this together.
If this is a topic that has caused conflict in the past, my advice is to take on an approach of being business-like and courteous. It can help set a different tone if both parties go into it communicating in the same way you might in a job interview or meeting at work.
This list extends beyond cleaning and should include finances, communication (such as keeping in touch with friends/family), food (groceries/cooking), bigger household projects, child-rearing responsibilities (including scheduling and transportation), and coordinating social activities and health appointments.
Writing it down can be an objective basis for determining who should do what. It can prompt a discussion about how those tasks are tended to now and whether other tasks need to be reallocated in a more equitable way.
2. Aim for friendliness when you talk
"Waving the flag of friendliness" is an approach recommended by couples' therapist Dr Stan Tatkin. It's about creating a more open and positive atmosphere for discussions, increasing the likelihood that you and your partner can come to a mutually agreeable solution.
When it comes to talking about household tasks, you could:
- Start by acknowledging your partner's feelings. Let them know that you understand why they are frustrated or upset
- Use "I" statements. This will help you to communicate your own needs and feelings without blaming your partner
- Avoid making accusations
- Be willing to compromise. It's unlikely that you and your partner will agree on everything, so be willing to meet each other halfway
- Focus on the present. Avoid bringing up past grievances or blaming each other for past mistakes
3. Say 'thank you' regularly
It's important to express gratitude on a regular basis. When we show our partners that we appreciate their efforts around the house, it can help create a positive and supportive home environment.
This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.
Jill Dzadey is a relationship counsellor based in Naarm, Melbourne.